10 Tactical Tools for Coping with Rejection
Last week was a week of rejection.
The first exclusion was a sucker punch to the gut. To this very moment, I cannot find a good reason for it, and there was no way to take it but personally. Just when I was making headway in battling my insomnia, I lied awake for hours unable to stop the tears.
The second rejection came from a family member. It was disappointing to be sure, but it was expected and more like a sprinkling of salt on an already raw wound.
Friends, is there anything more painful than betrayal and rejection? It reinforces our own insecurities. It solemnly nods its head when we look in the mirror and think, I am not good enough. I am not lovable. The rejection is evidence, we think, that others agree with our self-assessment. And if we believe these things about ourselves and others do, too, then mustn't God? We know He doesn't, but the pain causes us to ask these horrible questions.
My first instinct is to make like an oyster and close myself up tightly. To plaster on a fake smile, build walls, and pour myself into things I think I'm good at. My personal friendships are a mess, but I'm a good teacher. I'm going to lesson plan like nobody's business. Or, I can't think about this now. I need to organize the ba-jillion photos I've taken this year and make a family yearbook... or ten. But that's what the enemy wants, isn't it? The rejection makes us feel lonely, so we give up on everyone and truly make ourselves solitary. So this cannot be the answer. But how do we deal?
10 tactical tools for coping with rejection:
- Allow yourself to feel it.
You are not a robot. With the flip of a switch, you cannot turn off your feelings. Let yourself feel the weight of an elephant sitting on your chest. Let the tears drip (and drip and drip). - Give yourself time and grace to heal.
Take some time to let the pain cool off. Pull-on those cozy joggers and plush oversized tops. Sip lots of hot tea. Treat yourself to an extra square of dark chocolate. Give yourself the necessary grace to pamper yourself for a few days, but be strongly aware that this stage needs to come to an end... soon. - Maybe talk to someone who will understand.
I hesitate to add this to the list because here's the thing: people are imperfect and can let you down. There is no guarantee that the person you are confiding in will be able to relate to you, listen to you, or have anything to say to make you feel better. I am adding this to the list, however, because it did help me get through the past week. I asked a very dear long-term friend to call me when she had a moment. She could relate to my feelings and had some wisdom and insight to share. I felt a whole lot better after talking to her. Before you take this step, friend, ask God if it's something you should do and be aware that there's a chance the fellow imperfect person on the other end of the phone may not help you feel better. - Definitely talk to God.
I cannot express how important it is to communicate with God throughout this entire process. Jump back to "Step 1." Cry out to Him! Tell Him how much pain you're in. He already knows, of course, but it is good for you to converse with Him. Ask God what you can do to heal. Ask Him when it's time to move beyond your temporary comforts (tea, chocolate, etc.) and for the strength to do so. Ask Him if you should reach out to a friend and, if so, which one. Beg for him to remind you how much you are loved.
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. {Matthew 10:29-31} - Practice saying self-affirmations in the mirror.
On the very top of my children's daily checklists is the task, "Speak affirmations into the mirror." Click HERE to download the exact one my boys use. You can tweak it to suit your own personal needs. You can also Google "Christian affirmations" and get a lot of ideas for creating your own list. - Try to see the purpose behind the pain.
When I look back at the other times in my life I've felt this way, I see two things. First, God was always faithful and never left me to walk the path alone. Thank you, Jesus. Second, there was a purpose behind the pain. Maybe God is using the situation to strengthen you, to spiritually mature you. Maybe he is exposing something in you or your community. Maybe he is calling you to action. - Do NOT trust your heart alone.
While you are still raw with pain, please do not do anything rash. Your heart may tell you, "Give up on these people! You've done everything you could. Tell them exactly what you think and say, 'See ya later!'" (Hello, sour grapes!) But remember:
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it? {Jeremiah 17:9}
Once things are said or done, you cannot take them back. And do you want to know a secret? The pain is so deep because you wanted to be counted one among them. You thought (and probably still do) that those people who let you down are actually pretty rad. - Ask GOD for direction.
"What do you want me to do? Or not do?"
- Be still, be quiet, and for heaven's sake open your Bible!
You've asked God for direction, now you need to let Him answer. Maybe He will speak into the quiet places of your heart. (Make sure it's Him and not your own raw human feelings!) Maybe he will help you consider your options. Another way the Lord most frequently speaks to me is when I open the pages of my Bible. I can read the same words a hundred times, but at times when I need them, certain phrases and wisdom pop out to me. I never cease to be amazed by how God speaks to me through his living Word. Please know that God works in his own time. We may want an answer RIGHT THIS SECOND, but we may not get it until much later than we'd like. Be prepared to wait, be still, and be quiet. - When God answers, do (or don't) take action.
When God gives you your answer, go for it. (Or don't, if that's what He's told you to do.) If He's on your side, it will ultimately go well for you. You may have to swallow your pride and shift your expectations. You may have to have a difficult and awkward conversation (or two). You may even have to prepare yourself for a major life shift. Be humble and obedient to his direction.
I'm here to tell you that I'm not all the way through my exclusion! At this time, I'm trying to be as still and quiet as possible, opening my Bible, asking lots of questions of God (and a few of humans), and waiting for His direction.
We've all felt the sting of rejection at some point in our lives. What, if anything, would you add to this list? Please know that I'm always rooting for you, friend, and you are so loved!
XOXO,
Kristin