Knapsacks & Boulders

The paper rustles as I tuck the hospital gown tighter under my thighs. I still feel overexposed. Two soft raps sound at the door, and a smiling woman in a white overcoat, not much older than me, smiles and shakes my hand.

"You're tired?" she says, glancing at her notes.

"All the time," I reply. "Thyroid problems run in my family. I really think that must be it."

The doctor asks questions, feels the glands in my neck, and listens to my heart. The lab technician eventually replaces her, compliments me on my good veins ("Thank you?"), and fills a couple of vials with my blood.

A day later, I receive an email saying the results are in. My thyroid results? Totally normal.

What can the culprit be? I wonder. I almost always get eight hours of sleep (sometimes nine!). I eat well (usually), and I do 10,000+ steps a day without even trying.

I think I finally figured it out...

I'm trying to please people. To be compliant. To be excellent at everything I devote myself to. I'm saying, "Yes, yes, yes," when I really need to be saying, "No, no, no."

We Christian mamas tend to have a hard time saying, "No."

"Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

It's verses like these that make us feel like we need to agree to things that, in our heart of hearts, we know we shouldn't be doing.

"Sure, I can babysit your kid Thursday afternoon." (So an acquaintance can grab coffee with her friend for a catch-up sesh.)

"OK, I can buy your lunch. I know finances are tight for you right now." (Even though your friend just finished telling you all about her latest European vacation.)

We feel like the kind thing, the Christian thing to do is to say, "Yes." To love others by sacrificing our own time, talents, and treasures. But, friends, Galatians goes on to say,

"...each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6:5

We all have our own "loads" that we need to carry. These are things that are our own daily responsibilities.

In his excellent book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud explains the difference between a "load" (what we are individually responsible for on a daily basis) and a "burden" (things that threaten to crush us in times of crisis and tragedy).

...[T]he Greek word for load means "cargo" or "the burden of daily toil." This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort.

Problems arise when people act as if their 'boulders' are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their 'daily loads' are boulders they shouldn't have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility" (Cloud, 33).

Friends, I cannot express to you how freeing it is to understand this concept. I now feel like I have a good way to gauge the "Yeses" that I give.

Here's an example: A friend overschedules herself and her children. She calls to say that she is overwhelmingly stressed, and she's been feeding her children cereal for dinner all week. Do I have time to make her a meal? According to the knapsack/boulder analogy, I would be perfectly justified in saying, "I'm so sorry you feel so stressed, but, no, I cannot," and leaving it at that. And, really, this would be the more loving answer as it would discourage her from continuing to cram too many activities into too brief a period of time (irresponsibility).

Here's another example: A friend is blindsided in a car accident and is really banged up. Should I make her family a meal? According to the knapsack/boulder analogy, this friend has been slammed with a burden/boulder, and we are called to be responsible to her. Her burden is more than she can bear. If it's within my resources, I could most definitely make this friend a meal. (And possibly set up a meal train or help her out in other ways, if the Spirit leads me to do so.) Please know that you should not be the only one bearing your friend's burden. She can't lift it alone; you can't either. Jesus calls all of us to love others, and many hands make light work!

You may be wondering:
* Does this mean I should never help a friend with her knapsack? or
* Does this mean that I shouldn't ever ask for help with my own knapsack?

The short answer to both of these questions is "no," and I will be diving into these questions further in future posts.

Friends, I honestly wish I had read this life-changing book decades ago. I'm discovering that I've had boundary problems since childhood (haven't we all though?), and I'm working to create healthier boundaries in my life. I truly believe that, as I practice this, I will be freer of fatigue. And those annual trips to the doctor to get my thryroid checked will become less and less necessary. (Let's be real. It will also help when all of my children are potty trained, and they don't feel the need to march into our bedroom at night and announce, "I had a bad dream.")

Creating healthy boundaries is not something that's going to happen overnight, though, and it is something that is going to take some practice. Just this week, I freed myself from a large burden I was dreading over the summer (Yay!), but then I said "yes" to something that, as soon as I said "yes" to it, I knew I had neither the time nor money for. (Boo!) I'm giving myself lots of grace as I work on this area of my life, and I invite you to do the same. I pray that you experience freedom in this area of your life, too!

And I definitely recommend that you check out Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries as soon as possible. It's one of those books that is worth purchasing and reading on a yearly basis. It's THAT good.

XOXO,
Kristin