No Social Skills
{My Very First Guest Post!}

I'm so honored to have my very first guest post written by my dear friend Sarah! {Scroll to the bottom of the post for her bio.} She has a gift for inclusion, is wise, talented, funny, beautiful, and just generally awesome in every way. Enjoy, friends!

Here I am, awake (it's too dark to see the clock on the wall, and I don't see the time on this particular computer, which is still unfamiliar to me), sometime around 3 am, I suppose.  The reason I am awake is because I had a dream.  It was a dream I have had before, and it was a real thing that happened to me.  I was in middle school band practice.  I played trumpet, so I sat near the back of the room.  The girl next to me decided it would be funny or fun or entertaining in some way to knock the music off my stand.  I am not now nor was I then a confrontational or "stand up for myself" kind of girl, so I picked up the music and put it back.  She did it again.  I picked up again.  She did it again.  I remember my eyes starting to burn and thinking "OH, please don't cry...". Of course, I DID cry.  So, I woke up at this point, and having that memory fresh in my brain, I cried some more.  How old am I, you may wonder?  38 years old.  UNbelieveable.  I went on thinking back to that particular incident, and went on to think about how the band director handled the situation.  Of course, this brought on a fresh wave of tears, and I had to leave the room before I woke my husband and son (he's sleeping on the floor, just to be near us).  The band director, instead of punishing the perpetrator, angrily sent ME out of the room and to the office, where I believe I was threatened with detention for disrupting band, but I am really very hazy on this part of the incident, so I may remember this part wrong.  I do know I was sent out of the room angrily, and she got to stay.  I have been sitting up thinking about that band director, and on to my classmates and just the whole of my childhood.  I feel inspired now to share a bit about my thoughts and memories, because I know I am NOT the only child who grew up in an atmosphere like mine.

That band director would always be remembered to me as a cold, cruel lady who only showed kindness to the "other kids." Those other kids were, of course, the kids with the social skills.  They knew exactly what to say, how to be funny, how to be good at sports, how to not say awkward, inappropriate things.  They also bathed daily (something I did not do until middle school), wore nice, new clothes, and grew up together (for the most part).  They were nicer to look at, and they got good grades (again, for the most part), and they had lots of friends.  I was NOT an "other kid," so middle school and high school were years of misery for me.  Girls and boys who were mean told me I wore stupid clothes, that I smelled bad, that I was stupid.  They stuck maxipads to my locker, stole and hid my stuff, and knocked things out of my hands.  Seriously.  38 years old, and it still brings me to tears.  You want to try and tell me that bullying "toughens you up?"

Here is the thing that gets me at this moment in my life.  I feel that I was punished by everyone for being who I was.  Awkward, smelly (at first...a few people did try to kindly hint at this, but when I didn't change immediately, they gave up and went on to ignore me), saying inappropriate things, looking funny, not being talented at anything in particular.  The few friends I had were often hesitant to be seen with me in school, so I was almost always alone.  The kids that I knew probably felt sorry for me just ignored me, or treated me like I was invisible.  Sure, they were probably just trying not to be unpopularly associated with me, but I feel that to be ignored was a punishment of a different sort.  I will honestly say that there were times that a few tried to be kind to me.  I cannot say that NO ONE EVER was not kind, or that I had NO friends at all.  Still, it was NOT enough to protect me from misery.  Eight years of misery that are so thoroughly sunk into my brain that even though I have a perfectly lovely life now, it still wakes me up at night to remember the things that happened to me.

I'm thanking God that that's not where my whole childhood ended.  The adults and children of my childhood maybe tried, but failed to provide a place for me where I could feel accepted and my company enjoyed.  When I was 16, I was accepted to a position at a summer camp.  My job would be to clean cabins, wash dishes, and serve food.  It was a really tough job with long hours, often in raging heat.  It was the BEST THING that has ever happened to me.  God knew that it was exactly what I needed.  I lived at the camp all summer long, with several other girls (many of whom are dear friends still today) in a dormitory.  We had the MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN ON EARTH for a boss.  Ginny DeWall.  She taught us how to clean properly, and she tolerated those of us who had never really thoroughly cleaned anything in their life before.  She was beyond kind and accepting.  The girls I worked with were just as fabulous.  The older girls led us newer girls in our tasks, joking with us, laughing at our awkward jokes, and asking us to come to town with them for ice cream, then driving us themselves.  FOR THE FIRST TIME in my life, in spite of being awkward and painfully shy as a result, I felt what it really meant to be accepted by the people around me.  It happened immediately! Okay, now I am crying again, but it is tears of gratitude and happiness this time.  NOBODY punished me for having "no social skills." Girls invited me back home to meet their families and friends on off weeks.  They kept in touch over the fall/winter months.  I longed for the time summer came again so I could go back to camp as soon as possible.

SO.... you see, it is possible for children to be in a place where having poor social skills to be accepted as they are!  They need a  strong, kind leader who not only shows kindness to the awkward person, but also encourages others to show kindness even if it is against their inclination.  I am so certain that all my years of happiness at that camp are due to the kindness of Ginny DeWall.  She almost certainly encouraged the older girls to befriend us in spite of our young awkwardness.  So there, another helpful thing is older girls and boys who are willing to befriend and mentor younger ones in spite of any strangeness, clinginess, smell, or strange clothing.  Then, you need TIME with them.  I got to live...REALLY live with these people for three months out of the year.  We slept in the same building, ate all our meals together, and did all of our socializing together.  We were really like a family.

The two years of being a high school junior and senior after my first two summers at camp were much better.  I feel like I lived off the joy of those summers all year round.  Now... WHY COULDN'T THAT HAVE HAPPENED AT SCHOOL?  I spent 8 years with these people!  I have thought often about this, and here is my own theory: one, there were no strong adult leaders who came along with us.  Every year, we had new teachers.  Some tried (sort of) to help, but hey, they only had one hour a day for 3/4 of the year with us, for the most part. They could just get through the year with those kids who were awkward and then pass us on to the next teachers.  No teacher I remember ever encouraged others to show kindness to me in spite of my awkwardness.  They reprimanded unkind kids, sure, and tried to comfort me sometimes, but they almost always put any effort towards me into trying to get me to change to be more socially acceptable.  I was constantly told how I could be better.  I could shower every day.  I could make sure my clothes were clean.  I could not talk so much.  I could ask to be a part of the other kids' games.  I could be braver.  See?  I was being taught social skills!  Which brings me to my next point: two, kids with poor social skills need to be accepted as they are, to the discomfort of those who live and work with them. I don't believe they will change any unsociable behaviors at all (not really) until they are cared for in spite of their lack of social grace.  Sure, teach them what they need to do to be clean, neat, etc.  If they are like me, though... all the talk about saying inappropriate things and being awkward will not change that personality.  That needs to be learned from sincere, loving relationships.  Point three: The ones who need correction are the BULLIES, NOT THE BULLIED.  I don't remember anyone getting into REAL trouble because of what they had done.  There was talking (oh, I could write a whole post about "talking" versus "action" in the case of bullying), and verbal reprimands.  How is that supposed to motivate a bully to change their behavior towards anyone?  They are still getting laughs and encouragement from others (possibly feelings of superiority) to continue, so why should they stop because any adult tells them to?  Especially an adult that will be here today, gone tomorrow... In addition, as mentioned before, to tell the bullied child that they need to change something to stop being bullied just heaps all kinds of emotionally distressing, impossible strain on them.  Point four: everyone in my life who treated me with sincere, tolerant kindness was and is still Christian.  I believe with all my heart that knowing Christ loves me makes me able to show kindness and love to others who are difficult or strange or awkward, since I know they are loved without restraint by Him who made them. It is the Christian law of charity that says I MUST show kindness even if I don't want to.  I know there are non-Christians who are also kind and tolerant.  Some were my friends in later high school.  But, it was not quite the same as the friendship I received from my Christian friends.  I hope I can explain that clearly another day.

There.  The crying has stopped.  As mentioned above, I have a perfectly lovely life now.  I have a loving husband (whom I met at camp!), four beautiful, beloved children, and many sincere, many-years-long friendships, thanks to my years at camp (12 summers in all).  I have every reason to rejoice and have nothing but joy.  But those 8 years in public school... as much as I'd like to forget them, or never mind them, I just can't.  They were incredibly painful, and set me up maybe for a lifetime of moments where I feel that I am not good enough, since I am still awkward and strange sometimes.  I am still painfully shy at first meeting with new people.  I struggle with what to say and do in most social situations.  BUT, I am incredibly blessed with great friendships and experiences, with people that I am not awkward at all around.  There are those rare and special people who, on first meeting, I feel perfectly comfortable with.  Oh, how I thank God for you!!  I'm so thankful that those first camp folks befriended me and included me when I was saying strange things, doing strange things, and wearing strange things.  I wanted to be more like them just by being their friend.

Moral of the story:  I LOVE C.S. Lewis.  Here is a quote that I think perfectly fits this post:

“The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him… There is, indeed, one exception. If you do him a good turn, not to please God and obey the law of charity, but to show him what a fine forgiving chap you are, and to put him in your debt, and then sit down to wait for his ‘gratitude’, you will probably be disappointed (p. 131).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

If you can't dig up real feelings of kindness for someone, pretend as if you did have those feelings.  You might have to do it for a LONG time.  That person is in your life for a reason.  Make the effort.

If you are bullied, and you are miserable like I was... please don't give up.  Joy exists.  Maybe not right now for you.  Maybe you'll have to wait.