Playing God with Gift-Giving: Five Maturity Truths I've Finally Learned to Embrace

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

Oscar Wilde

It is with much trepidation that I write this post. I fear being overly specific, as this is a sensitive topic and has been a source of contention in Dan's and my past. Of course, I don't want to hurt anyone. That said, I cannot be entirely vague either, because then this article would be all fluff and no substance. This topic has been on my heart for many months, and there is no time like right now--just before Black Friday and the gift-giving season--to discuss gift-giving and gratitude. So! I humbly request and pray for your grace as I write the following.

Let me begin by saying that I was wrong.

My motivations were good, but the things I was trying to control were not only "small potatoes," but they were also not really mine to control.

In my opinion, ideal gifts are:

• above all, presence over presents -- the fewer physical gifts, generally, the better. Experiences over stuff. (A year later, children will remember when their aunt had them over for a sleepover, and they made peanut butter cookies together. They won't have a clue who gave them that light-up Paw Patrol trailer.)
• thoughtful and personal (a photo album documenting a child's growth and loved ones, for example)
• family heirlooms (a yellowed recipe card for Grandma's "Molasses Cookys" [sic], kissed with a smear of molasses, written in her own hand)
• books: classic stories, beautiful language, delicious illustrations
• toys: simple and sweet. Ones that inspire a child's imagination rather than encourage a child to experience its lights, noises, and images passively. Ones that are made out of natural materials. (e.g., wooden blocks, a silk scarf to be used in a myriad of imaginative variations)
• money to be saved for college or a car or, even better, gifted to others in need.

Okay, but here's the thing. And I'm going to make this bold because it is incredibly important, and it took me years (maybe even a decade!) to figure out. All of those bulleted items above?

MATURITY TRUTH #1: MY PERSONAL OPINIONS ARE NO BETTER OR MORE CORRECT THAN THE OPINIONS OF SOMEONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO LOVES MY KIDS.

Someone else--a friend or family member--may value the exact opposite of all the bulleted items I stated above. I eventually realized:

MATURITY TRUTH #2: I WAS BEING SELFISH WHEN I EXPECTED OTHERS TO THINK THE EXACT SAME WAY AS ME.

Allie Casazza, a well-known minimalist coach for moms states:

"I’m of the mindset that it’s incredibly narcissistic to expect everyone else to get on the same page as you."

Allie Cassaza, The Right Way to Have a "No Gifts" Birthday Party

When I initially read that line, I'll admit that I was offended. Like, angry offended. Allie goes on to say:

"I see a lot of moms coming at this with an almost agrgressive attitude--seeminly angry that loved ones want to give their kids presents."

Gulp. That was me. After some reflection and prayer, I realized that I was offended by her words because they were the truth. And the truth stings sometimes.

As parents, it is definitely our job to protect our children's boundaries, but we can do so in a kind and loving way. If, for example, Fortnite is not something allowed into our home but a loved one gives our child a set of Fortnite pajamas, we can accept them graciously in front of the gift giver and then toss them onto the donate pile the next day.

In our own experience, Dan and I would sometimes get upset about the sheer volume of items given to our kids, even if there was no questionability as to the "character" of the gifts.

MATURITY TRUTH #3: THE GIFTS GIVEN TO MY KIDS ARE NOT GIVEN TO ME.

If Dan and I object to the number of gifts our children are given, but we really have no other reason to complain, we should probably just relax.

But I work hard to curate quality toys for my children and keep only the "best, favorite, and necessary!" (Salute to you, Emily Ley!) Amen, sister! Keep fighting the good fight! May I assure you that the brightly-colored plastic lights-flashing noise-blaring toys are the ones that fade the fastest? In a few short months, they will be found at the bottom of your child's toybox because they are not the ones that spark imagination. At that point (if you're brave), you can have a conversation with your child about donating those toys to a child who is in need. Or you can quietly sneak them on top of the refrigerator or in a box in the garage. If your child doesn't notice that they're gone after a week or two? See ya later, alligator!

Another way you can handle the onslaught of toys is by preparing in advance. In late October or early November, you can do a toy purge with your children, reminding them that they need to make room for the new toys that will be coming for Christmas. Then, when the barrage of presents comes, you'll have more space to deal with them.

MATURITY TRUTH #4: I HURT MYSELF WHEN I TRY TO PLAY GOD WITH GIFT-GIVING.

I love it when friends and family ask for gift ideas for my children, and I am happy to give suggestions to people who genuinely want the ideas.

There are other people who find joy in giving lots of physical stuff. (I don't personally feel this way, but see Maturity Truth #1.) Although these people may ask us for gift suggestions for our children, I've come to realize that they don't actually want our suggestions, but are asking out of fear or obligation. That's just sad and not the way it should be.

When I try to insert myself into an equation in which I'm not really wanted or required (gift giver --> my children), I am giving myself unnecessary stress and frustration. In our experience, the suggestion of "experience gifts" in lieu of physical gifts actually results in more physical gifts than ever before. (Really.) When I ask for gift receipts, I create an awkward situation and I give myself extra errands to run when I need to make returns! When I give gift suggestions upon request and almost all of my ideas are ignored, I feel slighted and irritated. There is NO reason to do this to myself.

MATURITY TRUTH #5: THERE IS FREEDOM AND PEACE IN LETTING GO.

This year, for those people who are happy to choose gifts on their own, I am completely letting go. I'm not suggesting "experience gifts" in lieu of physical gifts. I'm not giving any gift ideas. I'm not requesting gift receipts. I've come to realize that it's selfish of me to expect people to adopt my opinions and live the way I want them to live.

This year, I am simply saying, "We will be grateful for whatever you give us."

And I will mean it.